Swallow

The thing about babies is that they can't figure out how to get it out. Phlegm is thicker than milk curds. If they can swallow back mill curds then phlegm...

My dad's idea was to give up a couple of pats and rubs on her back when she coughs. It might help her cough it out. My mom says its okay, just leave it and little Bean will figure it out. My worried partner of course wants to get more medicine. I tried all of the above and I can't say that any has worked.

How do I help my baby cough it out? It hurts me that she's struggling an it pains me that my partner is worried sick. Sigh.

Coughs

I wouldn't say she's a sickly baby but she sure has her share of colds and fever. Bugs love her and so I assume viruses are obsessed with her. However our little Bean is a trooper (says her big sis) and she sure is. Smiling, laughing and playing even at her sickest hour. Nonetheless, I know it all too well. It has to get worse for it to get better. As her nose stops being too runny, phlegm shall drip to the back of her throat forcing a cough out. Too tiny to know how to properly cough, her phlegm lingers until it finds its way to her chest. Coughs become frequent and the struggle is heard. And every time my ear catches the sound, my heart aches and my soul bleeds. My daughter is my life here on earth for as long as she will have me.

Commitment

Commitment. Now that's one word I was seriously allergic to. I had so many issues with it. So many that the only way to say it was "cake". My friends still make fun of me when it comes to the "C" word. In fact, I still have issues with it. It explains why I'm "loan free" or without insurance, etc. In one way or another, I prefer clean transactions. Be over and done with as quickly as possible (when I'm done that is). So my commitment issues is not limited to relationship. It's simply wide range. Quite frankly, I've never been really good with commitments. I tend to screw it up and I still do with the bits that I have.

But all that changed when Bean happened. My 7 years domestic partnership automatically came to a new level and neither one of us was really ready. Dive in head first was our decision together. That's the moment I learned about the true meaning of commitment. I realised that making a commitment is not an individual thing. It's a collective one.

Today my partner said to me upon my confession of being a totally "C" freak after having spent half the day considering our next life-long decisions and she said, "that's why God gave you a big one because you never made any before."

She is right. Bean is a huge commitment and everything else that comes with it. There's no hiding from it anymore. I can't deny it anymore. It's time to grow up. I am a mother now.